So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
