I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
