I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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