me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
