The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
