Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
