it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Girls should come with a carfax report
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
