So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
