I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
