i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
