My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
