When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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