Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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