We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
