Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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