Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
