I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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