who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
