he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
