every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
