Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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