Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
