I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
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If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
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I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Holy sore nipples Batman
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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