You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
