i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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