nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
