I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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