I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
someone owes me an orgasm
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
