I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
