there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
