i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
