i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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