There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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