2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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