I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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