Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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