I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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