If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
