my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
