I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
