Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
