I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
