WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
