Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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