my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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