Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
