Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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