I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
