I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
