Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
