the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
