So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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