I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
