after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
