she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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