i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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