ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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