the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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