when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
