shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
